Post by Señor Sunday Friday on Jan 7, 2007 20:55:48 GMT -5
Memorable Quotes from
Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles (2003) (TV)
Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team killing.
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[the Blue Team's flag has just been stolen]
Church: Me and Tucker will go through the teleporter, and cut him off at the pass! Tucker, you ready?
Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this! Why would they give us a teleporter if doesn't work?
Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that nobody could drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
Church: And? So? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered in black stuff.
Church: So this is what this is all about - you're afraid of a little black stuff.
Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.
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Church: So that's what this is about? Your affraid of little black stuff?
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Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red.
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Caboose: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Church: Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut.
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Caboose: I'm having a lot of fun. It's like we're real soldiers.
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Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted out of here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I Already Know'?
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Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
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Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.
Tucker: What? No way!
Church: Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh oh...
Tucker: Uh oh...
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!
[to Caboose:]
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
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Church: [after discovering that he killed Captain Flowers, he let Donut take the flag, and he got himself killed] No! I'm the team-killing fucktard!
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Church: You know, I could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time!
Church: Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards
Tex: This is a long-range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets!
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Simmons: Just a little further, guys.
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
Simmons: Okay, the source for the distress signal is right outside this... crap!
Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[the camera zooms out to reveal Blood Gulch]
Grif: This sucks.
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Voice on radio: Man, I hate this. This sucks.
Caboose: It's Church!
Voice on radio: I just wanna lay around and do nothing.
Sarge: I think it's Grif!
Voice on radio: Right after I take this nice, warm, bubble-bath.
Sarge, Simmons: Donut.
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Caboose: I knew it... we're all gonna die...
[aims gun at the back of Tucker's head]
O'Malley: ...starting with you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: OK, listen up, scumbags. If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. Now, I have two options we can use. Number one, we run at the base in a single fine line, screaming at the top of our lungs! The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.
Tucker: Oh, yeah, right. They're not going to get surprised, they're just going to start mowing us down.
Sarge: That is the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.
Simmons: Don't you think that Caboose should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?
Sarge: No, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.
Tucker: How are you going to know if the plan isn't working?
Sarge: If Caboose dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.
Caboose: I think that's a good plan.
Grif: Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.
Sarge: Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill! I think we can all agree, given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.
[silence]
Sarge: OK, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the warthog...
Grif: [to Tex] I'm hoping you've got a better idea.
Sarge: ...We'll make what I like to call, "The Grif Cannon."
Grif: Oh, man...
Sarge: Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall!... or we paint it a very disgusting color.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Hello, weary traveler, we represent the timeline.
Sarge: I am the past, where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work. But they only lived to be 28 years old.
Simmons: And I am the future, where people have no morals and no emotions, but we have a bunch of kick-ass gadgets.
Grif: And I'm the present, which sucks. We have nothing cool, and also no morals.
Donut: And I am the helpful narrator. A faceless voice used by poor writers.
Tucker: You have a face... I think...
Donut: Shut up, Audience! You're ruining my play! Everything was fine with the timeline, until one day, in the present.
Grif: Why does bad stuff always happen in the present?
Donut: Because that's when people do stuff!
Sarge: Ah, quit yer bitchin'. I've got atrocities and a crapload of wars that seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.
Simmons: Yeah, well I've got Apocalypse. And that's way worse than anything you two dipshits have... sorry, sir, that "dipshits" was in character.
Sarge: Oh. Well, bravo, Simmons.
Donut: One day, in the present, a terrible thing happened.
Caboose: Enter stage left. Hello, I am stupid private Tucker. I am going to set off a big bomb now, and totally mess things up for everyone! Because I am stupid! Turns around... hello, present, I am going to set off a bomb in you.
Grif: Don't do that, stupid private Tucker, that might kill me!
Caboose: Thinks about this... for a moment.
Donut: Caboose, stop reading your stage directions!
Caboose: You said I was supposed to read anything with my name in front of it!
Donut: Just the lines, not the blockings. You're ruining my big debut!
Caboose: I do not think we are meshing artistically. I think you should talk to my agent.
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Sarge: Ho, ho, ho... dirtbag.
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Tucker: So far this quest is a fuckin' breeze. I've already killed a dead monster, what's next? We're going to open an unlocked door? Rescue a princess from herself?
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Andy The Bomb: [Crunch-Bite the alien attacks an intruder] Caboose, you were supposed to help!
Caboose: I was helping watch.
Andy The Bomb: What if something had happened?
Caboose: I'm sure I would have seen it.
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Tex: Tell you what, I'll go 50/50. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.
Andy The Bomb: Deal.
Tucker: What do I get?
Tex: You get to live... but no guarantees.
Tucker: That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe.
Tex: I'm a woman, and somehow, I don't feel any luckier.
Tucker: I said fine ladies.
Andy The Bomb: What do you want Caboose?
Caboose: I want a pony.
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[Sarge has escaped after Grif buried him alive]
Grif: But how the hell did you get outta there? I tied you up and poured concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned in to a zombie.
Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake: you left me my spoon.
Grif: NO!
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Donut: So... just you 'n' me, hanging out at the base. That's coo.
Grif: Shut up rookie.
Donut: You think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together.
Grif: Oh my god...
Donut: We talked about all kinds of stuff...
Grif: I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this all day long...
Donut: He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating...
Grif: Are you ever going to shut up?...
Donut: We made macrame ideas...
Grif: Jesus Christ...
Donut: We shared recipes for soufflÈs...
Grif: How did I get stuck in this place...
Donut: Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about, our feelings...
Grif: Ugh, God...
Donut: And then, we also discussed...
Grif: Jesus Christ...
Donut: ...what it was like to be the loner in high school...
Grif: You've gotta be kidding me...
Donut: ...and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time...
Grif: Oh man...
Donut: I mean Sarge is a really neat person, we talked about his dream the other night...
Grif: I don't wanna listen to this...
Donut: Where he dreamed, that uh... some shit happened...
Grif: Why me?
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Caboose: [to Sheila, who is talking to Lopez] Ummmm, yes. Well, Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you, and now he has to go AWAY.
Tucker: Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your fuckin' body back?
Church: Roger that.
[Runs towards Lopez]
Lopez: No! Heauegerkerherk!
[Twitches wildly as he is repossessed]
Tucker: [after a few seconds] You okay in there, Church? Church? Hey, what's going on?
[pauses]
Tucker: Do I need to flip your switch?
Church: [Reappears] What the-? That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?
Tex: [while in possession of Lopez's body] Well. Buenos diaz, cockbites. Guess who's back?
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Tucker: [Talking about who will go on the 'Quest for the Sword'. Church and Tex admit that they aren't going] What? Then who?
[Looks at Caboose]
Tucker: No fuckin' way. I'm not going with him!
Caboose: Oh, oh, oh. I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us know how to heal.
Blue Elite: Blaar Honk.
Andy The Bomb: [Translates what Elite says] He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good!
Andy The Bomb: Heh heh. Not really. They eat their wounded.
[Continues to snigger]
Caboose: Just like chiropracters...
Tucker: This is a JOKE, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose: [Completely not paying attention to what the others are saying] Okay, so... um... Tucker's the fighter... ah... Crunchbite is the healer... And I am the powerful, and intelligent, wizard: Morphumax.
Andy The Bomb: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose: You're the good looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy.
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Tucker: [Watching the Halo 2 E3 trailer. "Bungie" appears on screen] Bungle...
Church: That's an 'I', you idiot.
Tucker: Oh! Right... Bingle...
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Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.
Caboose: Okay.
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Church #2: There's Sheila. Sheila!
[runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol]
Church #2: Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Church: [running off of Blue Base] Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Church #2: [runs behind the tank] Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
Church #2: Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
Sheila: Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
Church #2: Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
Sheila: Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers are enabled.
Church #2: Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, hurry.
Sheila: Extra ammo management is disabled. The friendly-fire protocol is enabled.
Church #2: Friendly fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Sheila: Affirmative.
Church #2: All right. *Disable* the friendly-fire protocol.
Sheila: Friendly-fire protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by auto-lock.
Church #2: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
[Caboose enters the tank]
Church #2: I want the other thing.
Sheila: [to Caboose] Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Church #2: Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
Sheila: This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.
[drives off]
Church #2:
Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles (2003) (TV)
Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team killing.
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[the Blue Team's flag has just been stolen]
Church: Me and Tucker will go through the teleporter, and cut him off at the pass! Tucker, you ready?
Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this! Why would they give us a teleporter if doesn't work?
Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that nobody could drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
Church: And? So? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered in black stuff.
Church: So this is what this is all about - you're afraid of a little black stuff.
Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: So that's what this is about? Your affraid of little black stuff?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Church: Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I'm having a lot of fun. It's like we're real soldiers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted out of here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I Already Know'?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.
Tucker: What? No way!
Church: Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh oh...
Tucker: Uh oh...
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!
[to Caboose:]
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
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Church: [after discovering that he killed Captain Flowers, he let Donut take the flag, and he got himself killed] No! I'm the team-killing fucktard!
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Church: You know, I could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time!
Church: Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards
Tex: This is a long-range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Just a little further, guys.
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
Simmons: Okay, the source for the distress signal is right outside this... crap!
Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[the camera zooms out to reveal Blood Gulch]
Grif: This sucks.
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Voice on radio: Man, I hate this. This sucks.
Caboose: It's Church!
Voice on radio: I just wanna lay around and do nothing.
Sarge: I think it's Grif!
Voice on radio: Right after I take this nice, warm, bubble-bath.
Sarge, Simmons: Donut.
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Caboose: I knew it... we're all gonna die...
[aims gun at the back of Tucker's head]
O'Malley: ...starting with you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: OK, listen up, scumbags. If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. Now, I have two options we can use. Number one, we run at the base in a single fine line, screaming at the top of our lungs! The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.
Tucker: Oh, yeah, right. They're not going to get surprised, they're just going to start mowing us down.
Sarge: That is the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.
Simmons: Don't you think that Caboose should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?
Sarge: No, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.
Tucker: How are you going to know if the plan isn't working?
Sarge: If Caboose dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.
Caboose: I think that's a good plan.
Grif: Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.
Sarge: Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill! I think we can all agree, given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.
[silence]
Sarge: OK, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the warthog...
Grif: [to Tex] I'm hoping you've got a better idea.
Sarge: ...We'll make what I like to call, "The Grif Cannon."
Grif: Oh, man...
Sarge: Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall!... or we paint it a very disgusting color.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Hello, weary traveler, we represent the timeline.
Sarge: I am the past, where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work. But they only lived to be 28 years old.
Simmons: And I am the future, where people have no morals and no emotions, but we have a bunch of kick-ass gadgets.
Grif: And I'm the present, which sucks. We have nothing cool, and also no morals.
Donut: And I am the helpful narrator. A faceless voice used by poor writers.
Tucker: You have a face... I think...
Donut: Shut up, Audience! You're ruining my play! Everything was fine with the timeline, until one day, in the present.
Grif: Why does bad stuff always happen in the present?
Donut: Because that's when people do stuff!
Sarge: Ah, quit yer bitchin'. I've got atrocities and a crapload of wars that seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.
Simmons: Yeah, well I've got Apocalypse. And that's way worse than anything you two dipshits have... sorry, sir, that "dipshits" was in character.
Sarge: Oh. Well, bravo, Simmons.
Donut: One day, in the present, a terrible thing happened.
Caboose: Enter stage left. Hello, I am stupid private Tucker. I am going to set off a big bomb now, and totally mess things up for everyone! Because I am stupid! Turns around... hello, present, I am going to set off a bomb in you.
Grif: Don't do that, stupid private Tucker, that might kill me!
Caboose: Thinks about this... for a moment.
Donut: Caboose, stop reading your stage directions!
Caboose: You said I was supposed to read anything with my name in front of it!
Donut: Just the lines, not the blockings. You're ruining my big debut!
Caboose: I do not think we are meshing artistically. I think you should talk to my agent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Ho, ho, ho... dirtbag.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: So far this quest is a fuckin' breeze. I've already killed a dead monster, what's next? We're going to open an unlocked door? Rescue a princess from herself?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy The Bomb: [Crunch-Bite the alien attacks an intruder] Caboose, you were supposed to help!
Caboose: I was helping watch.
Andy The Bomb: What if something had happened?
Caboose: I'm sure I would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tex: Tell you what, I'll go 50/50. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.
Andy The Bomb: Deal.
Tucker: What do I get?
Tex: You get to live... but no guarantees.
Tucker: That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe.
Tex: I'm a woman, and somehow, I don't feel any luckier.
Tucker: I said fine ladies.
Andy The Bomb: What do you want Caboose?
Caboose: I want a pony.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sarge has escaped after Grif buried him alive]
Grif: But how the hell did you get outta there? I tied you up and poured concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned in to a zombie.
Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake: you left me my spoon.
Grif: NO!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donut: So... just you 'n' me, hanging out at the base. That's coo.
Grif: Shut up rookie.
Donut: You think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together.
Grif: Oh my god...
Donut: We talked about all kinds of stuff...
Grif: I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this all day long...
Donut: He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating...
Grif: Are you ever going to shut up?...
Donut: We made macrame ideas...
Grif: Jesus Christ...
Donut: We shared recipes for soufflÈs...
Grif: How did I get stuck in this place...
Donut: Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about, our feelings...
Grif: Ugh, God...
Donut: And then, we also discussed...
Grif: Jesus Christ...
Donut: ...what it was like to be the loner in high school...
Grif: You've gotta be kidding me...
Donut: ...and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time...
Grif: Oh man...
Donut: I mean Sarge is a really neat person, we talked about his dream the other night...
Grif: I don't wanna listen to this...
Donut: Where he dreamed, that uh... some shit happened...
Grif: Why me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [to Sheila, who is talking to Lopez] Ummmm, yes. Well, Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you, and now he has to go AWAY.
Tucker: Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your fuckin' body back?
Church: Roger that.
[Runs towards Lopez]
Lopez: No! Heauegerkerherk!
[Twitches wildly as he is repossessed]
Tucker: [after a few seconds] You okay in there, Church? Church? Hey, what's going on?
[pauses]
Tucker: Do I need to flip your switch?
Church: [Reappears] What the-? That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?
Tex: [while in possession of Lopez's body] Well. Buenos diaz, cockbites. Guess who's back?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [Talking about who will go on the 'Quest for the Sword'. Church and Tex admit that they aren't going] What? Then who?
[Looks at Caboose]
Tucker: No fuckin' way. I'm not going with him!
Caboose: Oh, oh, oh. I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us know how to heal.
Blue Elite: Blaar Honk.
Andy The Bomb: [Translates what Elite says] He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good!
Andy The Bomb: Heh heh. Not really. They eat their wounded.
[Continues to snigger]
Caboose: Just like chiropracters...
Tucker: This is a JOKE, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose: [Completely not paying attention to what the others are saying] Okay, so... um... Tucker's the fighter... ah... Crunchbite is the healer... And I am the powerful, and intelligent, wizard: Morphumax.
Andy The Bomb: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose: You're the good looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [Watching the Halo 2 E3 trailer. "Bungie" appears on screen] Bungle...
Church: That's an 'I', you idiot.
Tucker: Oh! Right... Bingle...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.
Caboose: Okay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church #2: There's Sheila. Sheila!
[runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol]
Church #2: Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Church: [running off of Blue Base] Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Church #2: [runs behind the tank] Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
Church #2: Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
Sheila: Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
Church #2: Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
Sheila: Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers are enabled.
Church #2: Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, hurry.
Sheila: Extra ammo management is disabled. The friendly-fire protocol is enabled.
Church #2: Friendly fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Sheila: Affirmative.
Church #2: All right. *Disable* the friendly-fire protocol.
Sheila: Friendly-fire protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by auto-lock.
Church #2: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
[Caboose enters the tank]
Church #2: I want the other thing.
Sheila: [to Caboose] Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Church #2: Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
Sheila: This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.
[drives off]
Church #2:
Wait! Oh my God, no!
Sheila: I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
Church #2: [chasing on foot] No no no no no no no no no no n...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What?
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Church #2: Oh NO! *I'm* the team-killing fucktard!
Tucker: [to Caboose:] You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church: Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker: I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[brief pause*]
Tucker: I'm talkin' about women.
Church: I know, yes. I got it.
Tex: Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex: Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker: Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church: Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker: What? Then who?
[he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker: No fucking way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[the Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb: [chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[chuckles again*]
Caboose: Just like chiropractors!
Tucker: This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose: Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose: You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: How did all you guys screw up?
Church: Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.
Church: Right, then I teleported *back* to Sidewinder and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.
Church: And then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.
Church: Why did you do that?
Church: I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.
Church: [to yellow Church] Well, what did you do?
Church: Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it - it didn't work.
Church: So now we all come back here *beforehand* to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.
Church: You said beforehand twice.
Church: Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was...
Church: [all together] That won't work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Man, it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Caboose: Where have you been?
Church: You want the long version or the short version?
Caboose: I will take the easy version please.
Tucker: Oh, I wanna hear the long version. But, can you tell me in three parts?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sarge is installing a voice chip into Lopez, who moments before was revealed to be, in fact, a robot]
Simmons: Hey, sir, you really should ground yourself before handling that card.
Sarge: How come?
Simmons: Because static could damage the card.
Sarge: C'mon. That's an urban legend used to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda are going to make my stomach blow up!
Sarge: Yeaow!
Simmons: Sir! I won't say I told you so, sir!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I can't believe I actually died for this war.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons: OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif: Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif: OK. OK. On three.
Caboose: Here!
Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons: Ready?
Sheila: Acquiring targets.
Church: [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons: One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila: Target acquired.
Grif: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
Simmons: Two...
Sheila: Target locked.
Simmons: Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons: Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Grif: Son of a bitch!
Church: Son of a bitch!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker: [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons: [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sheila the tank is stuck on a rock while the turret is spinning in circles]
Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose: No! No, wait! Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: One of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything. You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon.
Grif: Uh... Oh... Yeah...
Simmons: What's all this stuff about God?
Grif: Uh... um... Nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls... never... like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose: I like me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: So how are you doing Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
Caboose: I think so. That guy Tex is really a robot... and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Church: ...Yeah. That's right. I'm a gay robot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue Team is talking about its tank]
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can *definitely* pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece.
Church: Oh man, listen to you. What are you going to do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.
Sheila: I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
Church #2: [chasing on foot] No no no no no no no no no no n...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What?
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Church #2: Oh NO! *I'm* the team-killing fucktard!
Tucker: [to Caboose:] You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church: Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker: I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[brief pause*]
Tucker: I'm talkin' about women.
Church: I know, yes. I got it.
Tex: Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex: Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker: Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church: Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker: What? Then who?
[he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker: No fucking way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[the Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb: [chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[chuckles again*]
Caboose: Just like chiropractors!
Tucker: This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose: Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose: You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: How did all you guys screw up?
Church: Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.
Church: Right, then I teleported *back* to Sidewinder and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.
Church: And then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.
Church: Why did you do that?
Church: I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.
Church: [to yellow Church] Well, what did you do?
Church: Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it - it didn't work.
Church: So now we all come back here *beforehand* to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.
Church: You said beforehand twice.
Church: Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was...
Church: [all together] That won't work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Man, it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Caboose: Where have you been?
Church: You want the long version or the short version?
Caboose: I will take the easy version please.
Tucker: Oh, I wanna hear the long version. But, can you tell me in three parts?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sarge is installing a voice chip into Lopez, who moments before was revealed to be, in fact, a robot]
Simmons: Hey, sir, you really should ground yourself before handling that card.
Sarge: How come?
Simmons: Because static could damage the card.
Sarge: C'mon. That's an urban legend used to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda are going to make my stomach blow up!
Sarge: Yeaow!
Simmons: Sir! I won't say I told you so, sir!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I can't believe I actually died for this war.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons: OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif: Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif: OK. OK. On three.
Caboose: Here!
Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons: Ready?
Sheila: Acquiring targets.
Church: [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons: One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila: Target acquired.
Grif: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
Simmons: Two...
Sheila: Target locked.
Simmons: Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons: Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Grif: Son of a bitch!
Church: Son of a bitch!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker: [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons: [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sheila the tank is stuck on a rock while the turret is spinning in circles]
Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose: No! No, wait! Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: One of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything. You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon.
Grif: Uh... Oh... Yeah...
Simmons: What's all this stuff about God?
Grif: Uh... um... Nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls... never... like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose: I like me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: So how are you doing Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
Caboose: I think so. That guy Tex is really a robot... and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Church: ...Yeah. That's right. I'm a gay robot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue Team is talking about its tank]
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can *definitely* pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece.
Church: Oh man, listen to you. What are you going to do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.