[NEW] Urune Hiname

[Urune Hiname]

Name: Urune Hiname
Age: 15
Date of Birth: August 18, 1995
Homelands: Leaf Village
Race: Ninja/Human/Many greats granddaughter of god......that is why she is ALMOST like god
Class: Magic
Final (?!?!? um:)
Black Night Nightmare
Puts the opponent to sleep then tortures them mentally in their dreams and while they dream a virus goes into their brain.......*smirk* so yea they die um it was something called brain damage?

{Weapon information}
Soul Sword
It uses the owner's soul as its blade which means it can change shapes, become longer and so on....Urune has a guardian spirit she normally uses her so she can concentrate on battling.
/physical description\
Just the handle of a sword
[enchantments]
has the character(s?) Hiname on it

{Armour Information}
magic shield
/physical description\
just a shield made a by a bit of blood swung into the air, also unbreakable
[enchantments]
like a magic circle design

{Accessory Information}
Bag
/physical description\
like the leaf ninja ones on the legs
[what it does?]
well holds everything ^^" its magical?

{Physical Description}
Um as a ninja Uru isnt too fat or to skinny is um perfect? She has two different type of hair colors one real one fake real is silver fake is black she uses a special um magical dye to get it black so it doesnt come off easily one real eye color one fake real red fake blue she use another magical type contact so they dont move or anything she uses them to disguise herself by the way she does not wear dress or skirts long or short. she also has a "overboard" mode this mode was created when her mother got killed bey her brother in front of her during overboard her hair is bloody red and her eyes are light blue with no pupils like a doll and she hears nothing feels nothing. she also kinda cross dresses because if she were to pick a fight with some ppl they would normally go easy because she is a girl so she hides it. but either way both girls and boys still flock around her she is sometimes thought to be model

{Background}
Urune Hiname is on the run. She is the heiress of the Hiname clan. The most powerful clan in the world. her aunt is targeting her because she wants to make her daughter the heiress so she can get all the money she wants.of course her daughter doesnt care because she likes Uru (not in a weird way ^^'') so to kill uru the aunt hires all these assassins. of course uru can beat them all up in no time but she wants to travel an NOT be tied down by a tittle. so uru is now on a journey, with assassins tagging along. as she and uri (the guardian spirit) passes a hidden school. she was curious so she decided to join this school. P.S.this girl is practically God when it comes to physical activities and intelligence! But she is a tomboy and HATES skirts and dresses. Basically she only wears pants. This girl has a HUGE bio so youll just find things out as we go ^^. (in other words: im lazy XD)

Picture:


{How did you find out about Twilight Moon Academy?}
i found out by myself and i told my friend to go in it too.

[Urune Hiname]

Can any moderators please approve my form. I've been waiting for months already.

[Ladd Russo of the Russo Family]

I apologize deeply for the delay and thank you for your patience.

Spelling/Grammar: 10/30
While I applaud you for being very close to free of spelling mistakes, you lost major points for capitilization errors, punctuation errors, fragments, run ons, and slang abbreviations that can be easily avoided.

Originality: 10/30
It is difficult to make a story that no one has ever thought before (and sometimes rather silly to try), but even when using common elements originality can be injected by making these elements your own. It did not seem like you were quite there yet... Also, Urune loses much of her potential individuality in her immense power and physical perfection. While this doesn't mean she should be weak and ugly, a character's character is defined just as much by her flaws as by her strengths, just like real people. Good qualities are good, but a mixture of good and bad makes a character realistic. You have a base here; now make her a person.

Literacy: 10/40
Because of the grammar and flow, descriptions came off as choppy and left a lot of questions. On a neopets board, you would barely make semi-literate.

Total: 30/100

Score:3/10 (Needed to pass- 6/10)


I'm very sorry, but I would not have been so critical (or have even written those comments) if I did not think you are able to improve. I do not like failing people, and I very much encourage you to try again. Try looking at some of the characters in the 'accepted forms' page, and take note of the grading and why they received the grade they got. Go over this one and clean it up, add some more detail and depth. Imagine that you are an author, and that you are going to publish this. We are not looking for star quality at TMA, but these things can make it easier to write for your character.


And most of all, I would encourage you to read (or read again) the site rules. Technically we the staff are not supposed to grade any applicant that does not have the proof of reading somewhere on their character form.