Im afraid theres still a zillion grammar errors, Demongirl14. You have a lot of sentence fragments and some that make no sense at all....
Make sure that when you write, you write like you speak.
***You don't say three with a number button, dear. You say "Three". (^^)
Most people don't say........
"Im done gone to da store." they say "I'm finished going to the store."
That's both a complete sentence, even if it is short.
Speaking of grammar... I sense a disturbance in the above sentance...Also, when you DO write, it's hard to understand sometimes, because its repetitive or too vauge. I know its a helluva lot better than your first one you posted up here a while ago, but there is still a very long way to go for you. Make sure that your have youre sentences match each other on topics.
If we talk about Physical description, that means Hair, height, color of skin, nationality and eye color. What she's wearing! Not that she sucks blood, which really is no more than something that can go into background mentioning unless its used as a wicked awesome attack for your final....not just to be like Edward Cullen or something.
Also, its nice you have eight paragraphs for your background, but you need to make them Literate. Yes, I know it usually means "readable", but in this case I mean it as "functional writing".
Functional writing (as I call it) is when you write with one topic in mind, follow through, and make it so that people are able to understand what you're putting across while keeping the requirements handed to you. Dont make up eight paragraphs to make us happy. They should be more than two sentences long, and....ugh.....this is killing me!
STICK TO TOPIC! (point #2)
My father said she beautiful then his real wife. I started yelling at him. "DAD YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT MY MOMMY YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF AND THAT EVIL WITCH!" Hikari argued. Alright. This is basic nonsense in the writing world. Let me show you what you did wrong HERE, and I'll leave you to look over your work and relate it to what I have here so you can make the corrections. OK?
1. Your first sentence makes no sense. I don't know what you want out of it, because it's confusing me, but I suppose (if I'm guessing right).......
But you could mesh sentence one and two together like this:
"Hikari didn't want to kill her brother or sister, just her evil stepmother." End of sentence.
2. From "My father...." to "Beautiful wife" is not a sentence and doesnt make sense.
Well, I have to go, but I hope you don't mind that I'm being harsh about it.......'
I'm being mean for a reason, and that's for you to get motivated and work hard- so that the next time I read this over- maybe another mod., that you'll be able to finally get rated!
Alright?
I know you're trying. And harder than ever, probably, but you need more practice. Go onto Neopets, get an account, and after two days, you'll be able to rp on the boards there. It helps, especially when you have people who- if you ask- will be willing to assist you in your writing!
