Takahashi Kiki ~Done~

[Takahashi Kiki]

~Name~
Takahashi Kiki

~Age~
18

~Date of Birth~
June 3rd

~Homelands~
Nagoya, Japan

~Race~
Demon/Human

~Class~
Fire Elementalist

~Final~
Hell's flame
If the victim is caught in the green colored flame, they will burn until theres no more and then their soul is sent to hell, with the attack still burning them.


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~Weapon information~
Ansatsusha

The sheath is white but is covered in blood stains. The hilt is a crimson red with the Japanese kanji symbol "Demon" written on it with blood.

~Enchantments~

None

~Armour Information~
Edearer Yoroi

Mainly black and red outfit that allowed Kiki to move quickly. The top is black with a gold design and long, red sleeves. A shortish skirt that is blood red and allowed Kiki to attach Ansatsusha to the waist.

~Accessory Information~
A pair of blood red gloves

The gloves used for close combat or when Kiki feels the need to enhance her fire attacks.

~Physical Description~

Kiki is around 5,8. Her black hair in always put up in a ponytail with a red ribbon that's around 7 inches in length. She wears the same thing all the time unless it's one of those casual days where she just throws on some pants and a shirt. Her boots are a brownish color and is very handy when running from a battle. Her eyes are usually a dark yellow color but the colors change depending on her mood.

She's not skinny but not fat and her skin slightly pale. On most days, she will tie a 5 inch black ribbon around her right thigh. When she carries around her small, black bag, you can probably expect to find sake and a few other random items.


~Background~

Kiki was born in Nagoya, Japan. She became an orphan as soon as she was born since her father died of illness and her mother died of giving birth. She was raised by a couple until she moved out to live on her own when she was 16. She never had any friends because of the way her eye color changes and because of her appearance. She usually participated in Kendo and was extremely good at it.

She was never allowed into shines and the shrine maiden or her foster parents told her why. One day, she went to one of the many shines in Nagoya and asked the shrine maiden why she wasn't allowed in. That was when she learned that she was partly demon. She didn't tell anyone that she was part demon in case she was called insane and she didn't attend school because of this. After a few years she moved out of her parents home and lived in an apartment while working full time job.

With the money that she earned from work, she bought her self a katana to fight with but she didn't know when she would use it. while practicing with the weapon in her apartment, she accidentally knocked over a lit candle and set a cloth on fire. When she noticed the fire, she found her self controlling it. Soon after her discovery, she received at letter from an place named 'Twilight Moon Academy.' Kiki while reading the letter, she found that the school was for the magically gifted. She left her apartment quickly after packing and calling her foster parents and telling them that she would be gone for a while.

[Arual]

Alrighty, dear. So far, from what I can see you have a decent form....but there are a number of things I noticed in which you may want to fix before anyone, or myself can rate this and move you to the shipyards.

1. You seem to have made a good number of sentence fragments in your BACKGROUND paragraphs. For that, you want to be as detailed as possible. I know it's hard, but you seem to have some good ideas here and there! =D
Personally, I'd stick away from anything cliche to make this girl the most original character you've got.

2. Now, I see there are a lot of descriptions that say 'Demonic' in them, or have that implied in the name, and otherwise reversed. While there isn't anything wrong with that; it is a little repetative- so you might want to modify where needed. Also, it seems as though everything you have for your FINAL is exactly the same all your other weapons, acessories, enchantments, or armour! Change it up a bit! We can see you're half demon by the type of class/race she is- and if you can't think of something for one or two of them, we have shops where you can buy aurmor or specific weapons to your liking. Well, when you get enough SP that is. ^^



It's not to be rude, because if you give more length to this, with more detail and originality- you'll end up doing better then I had with my two charries!! XD It's just some constructive critisim you might want to keep in mind, okay? Keep up the effort, because- trust me, it pays off when the other guys rate you. I hope this helped you a little bit.....


AND GOOD LUCK! ^___^

[Takahashi Kiki]

Thanks for telling me about that! ^^ I've never done this kind of format before so it confuses me.

[Arual]

No problem. If you had such a hard time, why don't you do it in the normal format? It's much easier.... I think.

[Takahashi Kiki]

Nah...I'd rather use this format...And I think I got it this time! ^^

[Arual]

Alright, getting better!
I recommend you change font color- its a little hard to see if someone has a particular default setting to the site. Pink, white, lime, magenta, yellow (maybe), orange, teal. Those are pretty decent for any of the defaults we have.

Now, also, your sentences are very choppy. I see you made some more details in there, but think of it as something you would find in a novel- how there's a sentence flow, description, vividness and the ability to see what you're reading in front of you! The effort is great, and so is your attiude! I congradulate you for that, because not many people can be this willing to correct their mistakes. It's a nice thing to see.

Also, I noticed you changed some names around, GREAT! Describe everything as full as you can- but remember not to mention anything about demons or things that relate to your final. I think you should make that either more original, or make the others different from the final completely, because (UNLESS IT IS A SET) you then have a trademark, and also, it sets you apart from the rest of the students! Besides, you can brag about it later. xD

Alright, its my birthday as you might have seen. Mom needs me to help with my b day dinner so i had to cut this short! >< Ill add anything else once you fix more things....and tell you how it is?! Alrighty, then. Toodaloo!

[Takahashi Kiki]

Hm...Ok...It might take awhile since I kinda have writers block...Oh and happy birthday!

[Arual]

Thanks. I have dinner now. Anyways, its fine. You can take as long as you want!

[Takahashi Kiki]

I think I have it! Yes.... ><

[Arual]

BRILLIANT!
Alright, the only thing I see now, is that there is a part in your form where '.After a few .....' and you should obviously know what to do with it.
Last thing I see wrong:
In the first background paragraph, you need commas to seperate the sentence. That's a run on, and you want to stay away from them! ^^ Other then that, I- or someone else, will rate you.

Then to the shipyards you go!

[Takahashi Kiki]

Great! Thanks for you help.

[±Witchcraft±]

29/30--Spelling and Grammar
Very good after Arual helped out. Only found one subject-verb issue and a misuse of a hyphen, nothing big.

20/30--Originality
Most of the stuff there is decent but I find your background sort of unbelievable. I guess kids can just be harsh but I didn’t really see anything in her description to make her hated by people in a school.

21/40--Literacy
Okay, I found a lot of issues with your history not meshing well together with itself. It seems like you are jumping back and forth from old Japan to modern Japan. Mothering dying in childbirth is old Japan, not being married away by the age of 16 and moving out on your own as a women is modern Japan. Having your own apartment as a women, modern Japan, having it lit by candle, old Japan. See what I mean? It doesn’t really....mesh. You have to remember to take time period into account, especially if you are a long lived race or part of one like a demon.

70/100--Total

7/10--Rate

Still...Aproved, you may move to the Ghost Shipyards

((I hope I didn’t sound sexist in that one part, didn’t mean to be, it is just how they were back then))