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Post by Ladd Russo of the Russo Family on Dec 13, 2008 20:34:49 GMT -5
Hey there, Stacy, welcome to Twilight Moon. You took a good stab at this, but let me try to help you along. It can be pretty confusing sometimes. Now, let's see...
Okay, for your Final. Finals are last resort attacks, a really powerful thing only used in desperation. Usually they can pack quite a punch, and also the user usually suffers weakness or some counter-balance for using something so strong. Check out some of the other accepted forms for examples, and you'll get the idea.
Your weapon is nice, pretty creative, as is your accessory, but you might want to limit Ring's ability to only certain magic. Having it repel almost every type is a bit powerful, when many of the students here only can use magic to fight.
Lastly, I like where you were going with her background, but it also left a lot of questions. I think it could be a lot better if you expanded it. It says that she is half-angel half-vampire. That pretty unusual, so how did that happen? Did the odd parentage affect her life? Also, she is a thief. That seems very odd coming from someone that is half angel. What inspired her to take on stealing as her main profession?
Overall you do have something nice going here, and with a few tweaks I'm sure you can be accepted into TMA. There were a few minor mistakes, so you might want to run spell check over it. Finally, you should reread the Twilight Moon Rules. We have a policy here to make sure people have read them, and we're not allowed to accept new students without it. Still, it is very nice to meet you Stacy. I'm a mod, so feel free to ask about anything that still confuses you.
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Post by staceyblack on Dec 13, 2008 21:03:59 GMT -5
Thank you for reading this. I read your advice and modified it. I hope I made it better adapted to the requirements of TMA. Please read it and tell me what you think.
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Post by ±Witchcraft± on Dec 14, 2008 9:55:47 GMT -5
28/30 Spelling/Grammar Your spelling is fine, nothing really misspelled but remember, Coffee Shop is two words, not one. And also remember to make sure your verb agrees with the subject. Those are the only real issues I saw, really well for the first try.
23/30 Originality Decently original. You made an interesting racial mix that I would love to learn more about later when you grow and figure out her past more fully. The whole eyes turning color thing is a tad bit marry-sue-ish but not as bad as some others I have seen.
15/40 Literacy Okay, your stuff didn’t flow well from item to item and your history was bare basic. I can understand this since it takes time to grow as a writer and better understand your character. All I can say is that I hope you stay here and grow to be a great writer someday. I can see it from this bio that you got the basic skills needed. Now you just need to fine-tune those skills.
Total: 66/100
Rate: 6.6/10
Can I just ask you make a few small changes? Have something in your Final that makes it so she can’t charm every single person she sees. Something like she has to keep the one chain of movements like a song going to keep the effect, that way she can’t really fight well while doing it. Also, maybe change the staff to copy a weaker version of peoples powers to be more balance and as Nekozawa said, have the ring have something like ‘reduces magical damage taken’ that way it is fare to those mages who can only use magic to fight.
If you make those small changes you are approved!
Welcome to TMA Stacy and I hope you enjoy it here.
You may now move onto the Ghost Shipyard after making those small changes.
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